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May 23, 2007

DEAR ORPHEUM, YOU'RE LAME. SIGNED, ANDYTOWN.

Once again we have to face the arbitrary bullcrap-a-thon that is the ORPHEUM SUMMER MOVIE SERIES. Here's the dispatch for you non-Memphites:

The Orpheum is one of the oldest "movie palaces" in the country. It was built in the 20s and still maintains its original look. It's a cool, if cramped place to watch shows and movies - these days it mainly house concerts and Touring Shows of major hits. It would be AWESOME to watch old movies there, but the group who chooses the ORPHEUM SUMMER MOVIE SERIES obviously don't watch many movies or, if they do, they look to the AMC channel to educate them.

Here's the lineup

Friday, June 15 Breakfast at Tiffany's
Friday, June 29 Casablanca
Friday, July 6 Raiders of the Lost Ark
Sunday, July 8 The Sound of Music
Friday, July 13 Rocky Horror Picture Show
Sunday, July 15 The Color Purple
Friday, July 20 Goldfinger
Friday, July 27 Gone With the Wind
Saturday, July 28 The Godfather
Sunday, July 29 The Land Before Time
Friday, August 3 The Wizard of Oz
Sunday, August 5 The Ten Commandments
Thursday, August 9 Caddyshack
Friday, August 10 Phantom of the Opera (Silent)

There are five movies that belong here, none of them that I will see: GONE WITH THE WIND, THE SOUND OF MUSIC, THE GODFATHER, THE WIZARD OF OZ, and THE TEN COMMANDMENTS. These are films that deserve to be seen on the big screen.

The rest are lame, lame, lame. If I had to bet, CASABLANCA will be colorized. BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY'S does not have to be seen on the big screen. RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK is only 25 years old. THE COLOR PURPLE is not even the best of its type (as an adaptation, its unfaithful; as a movie, its flawed); THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW idea is misguided - this should be shown at the Summer Drive on or the Ridgeway Four. THE LAND BEFORE TIME? You have to pick a movie that kids can watch, and you have available the entire catalog of great animated films, and you pick the movie about kiddie dinosaurs? CADDYSHACK? I realize that they chose this for the laughter effect, but what does watching on the big screen add to watching Chevy Chase improvise or a Gopher puppet dance?

I wish they would just let me pick these movies. My lineup would look something like this:

Instead of BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY'S, I'd show THE APARTMENT. It's a much better example of the 60s realistic romance, and much much funnier.

I would show CASABLANCA . . . but in glorious monochrome.

Instead of RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, I would show GUNGA DIN or THE FOUR FEATHERS - two excellent 30s actioneers, both probably unseen by a lot of audiences.

Instead of THE SOUND OF MUSIC, I would show AN AMERICAN IN PARIS. Because everyone has seen SINGIN IN THE RAIN already.

I wouldn't show THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW. I would show another crowd-pleaser that would translate well to this atmosphere: SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT.

Instead of THE COLOR PURPLE, I would show PORGY AND BESS, LADY SINGS THE BLUES, or CABIN IN THE SKY.

Instead of showing GONE WITH THE WIND, which they show every year, I would show GIANT - a movie I've always wanted to see on the big screen.

Instead of (ugh) THE LAND BEFORE TIME, I'd show PINOCCHIO, the greatest animated movie ever made, or DUMBO, the second greatest animated movie ever made.

Instead of THE WIZARD OF OZ, which they show every year, I'd show 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY because it's the greatest movie ever made.

Instead of THE TEN COMMANDMENTS, I'd show LAWRENCE OF ARABIA, which is too big to comprehend on the small screen.

Instead of CADDYSHACK, I'd show BRINGING UP BABY. What do they have against screwball comedies?

Instead of PHANTOM OF THE OPERA, which is cool but kind of dated, I'd show a double bill of Chaplin's THE KID and Keaton's SHERLOCK JR.

There: it hits a lot of populist, crowd-pleasing notes but it isn't conventional. I think people would come see these movies, don't you?

As for the NBA Draft, yech. But what can you do? There's no conspiracy. A smaller (but more dedicated and established) market than Memphis won. All the teams that tanked their seasons - Milwaukee, Boston, and Memphis - lost out on the sweepstakes. My bet is that the Memphis Grizzlies will go the way of the Showboats, the Storm, the Pharoahs, the Mad Dogs, the Pros, and the original Grizzlies. Pretty soon, we will just have a big arena where Kid Rock can play.

| By Andytown | 10:46 AM

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Comments

Posted by: t rainey at May 23, 2007 01:18 PM

Posted by: Sarah Beth at May 23, 2007 08:41 PM

Posted by: andytown at May 23, 2007 11:42 PM

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